BUT WHAT IF I DON'T GET ANY "LIKES"??????

I want to blog. But I don't. I want to post on Facebook... but I don't. I have the weirdest feelings toward social media and the internet right now. So many people have extreme opinions (sometimes I think its only to feel 'above' the lowly social media users), and I've honestly wanted to avoid many things that I see on social media... especially Facebook. It's not what it used to be. Now all I see are narcissistic attempts to prove self-worth for one reason or another, or it's use as a platform to feel powerful/important or involved. It used to be a fun place, like a blog, to share tidbits of life that close friends and family might like to keep up with. Now it's a crutch... and a drug.

Blah blah... so dark, Ashley! That's not 100% true!! No, it's not. And I chose to write something tonight, not because I want to just show a side of my life that projects a false sunshine-y "everything is A-okay!" disposition, but because I thought of something that I wanted to say that feels and is real. Tonight, with the knowledge that I could sleep in for the first time in ages, I stayed up doing the useless "stay-up" things. Eventually I found myself on the "relationship page" between Nick and myself, trying to see how far back I could trace things (we met as Freshmen in 2007). As I scrolled through photos from the past 3 years together as adults, I found myself frozen, staring at our photos from our first year back together and in New York. We both looked fresh, young, vibrant, and full of life. This acknowledgement is not to depress my current self (and the differences I see), but as someone who has always battled with low self-confidence, I remember feeling anxiety and sometimes a little fear at actually sharing the photos I shared back then... now, I think they are sweet and fun! I was always thinking, "oh my hair is this," or "I'm wearing stupid clothes," "Sal will think I'm ____." or "I look ____." WHATEVER. Now these bits are precious memories, and damn it if Facebook hasn't made a beautiful little memory lane for me! Okay so here is a little moral of the story: Don't shy away from living life, documenting, making memories, etc. because of insecurities. You are beautiful and vibrant and exactly where you're supposed to be. One day you'll look back at this memory and smile, and if you're afraid of the internet creepers, don't post, do a limited profile, or defriend. Great! End of blog post! I said something positive with a punch line and closure!

YAY! BEACH PIC!! XOXOXO ...I remember this. This was my first time back out & feeling like a 20-something after being hospitalized with Salmonella. I was afraid to do much... I'd been pumped with so many antibiotics and was anemic.

Nope. This is significant to me because I am stuck in this terrible funkitude of funks. This whole thing stuck out to me because it reminded me of the beauty within struggle. Between those brilliant memories are E.R. visits, deaths, crappy jobs, conflicts of all sorts, lost friendships, shaken dreams, utter confusion, and a whole heap of metrocards and bank statements. I saw a status post where I was like "la la la it's Valentines Day and I have a LONG day teaching 2 classes because it's my JOB and Nick's across town serving, but can't wait for dinner!" -Total paraphrase, I worded it better 2.5 years ago. Tonight, I couldn't believe that used to be my reality. Now I look at us (as NEW YORKERS), and Nick's working 9-5, and we're juggling gathering puppy poops while my day tends to look something like today: 5 AM wake up, 5:30 walk to train, 7 AM Spin class - Shower - 9:30-4 Williams-Sonoma, 5:30 PM Spin class, 7:30-10:30 PM Yoga work-study cleaning the studio, and lots of metrocard swipes in between. I've finally arrived! At what? The New Yorker / American status of filling my week to the max-capacity? I just finished my 11th day in a row working like that, and let me tell ya, I miss the days when I was more concerned about getting more spin classes. But then again, I don't. It's all about growth and moving forward, people! I don't know exactly where forward is from here, but I have some pretty good ideas. I'm ready to get rollin'...

So I'm going to end this somewhere weird. Because life isn't perfect... and neither is this silly blog.